Mention the word addiction and everyone has their own take on what it is, whether anyone can get it or some are just destined to be addicts, what can be done about it, and is it possible to overcome. There’s also still a great deal of stigma attached to addiction – and there shouldn’t be. It’s time to set the facts straight. Addiction isn’t an automatic death sentence, as long as the addict gets treatment and works actively to manage his or her disease. Here’s the 411 on what it takes to beat addiction.

Yes, beat addiction.

Desire to Change

The motivating factor that leads most addicts into treatment is a genuine desire to change. They are tired of the downward spiral, the rapidly accumulating negative consequences that affect not only their own lives but those whom they love and care about. For some, it may take losing everything – their family, job, health, savings, home, friends, reputation, and social standing – before they’ll wake up and realize that they need to take responsibility for what’s happened to them because of their addiction. For others, just seeing how addiction is tearing up the family is enough to jump-start the desire to change.

But change doesn’t come easily to addicts – especially hard-core, long-term addicts for whom addiction has been a way of life for many years. Still, the desire to change can motivate even these individuals whom society has formerly written off as hopeless.

Addiction treatment experts say that treatment can be effective even if it isn’t voluntary. Some individuals are forced into a treatment program as a result of a court order, or because their family gave them an ultimatum, or initiated an intervention. The end result, in this case, is that the addict may find him or herself in treatment against their will. Just because they are required to go to treatment, however, doesn’t mean they cannot discover they have the desire to change. It doesn’t mean that they can’t change. Even if they relapse following treatment, they will have learned something. It may be that they’ll need to go to treatment again, even multiple times, before they finally get it, before they realize that they can manage their disease. They can learn to live a life that’s free of alcohol or drugs or other addictive behaviors.

Somewhere along the line, the desire to change has to spring up from within. It’s absolutely necessary to want to change in order to beat addiction – not just for a short period, to get the court or the family off the addict’s back, but forever.

Going into Treatment

Some people with addiction think they can “cure” themselves. First of all, there’s no cure that’s been discovered – yet – for addiction of any kind. There are some promising vaccines in various stages of development that may one day dramatically change addiction prevention, treatment, and recovery programs and services. There are effective maintenance drugs for various addictions, and drugs that help those with co-occurring mental health disorders such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), schizophrenia, and other disorders.

Despite the hype of books or treatment promising a cure for alcoholism or any other kind of addiction, the simple truth is that the addict – the person with the addiction – is not the best judge of what’s effective, or even capable of deciding on his or her own how to change behavior to overcome addiction. Why is that? When a person is addicted to alcohol or drugs, over time their brains change. Damage done by alcohol and drugs is progressive and debilitating. Some brain damage results in loss of cognitive abilities, the ability to reason and learn and remember what happened yesterday or last week. Some brain damage results in paranoia, hallucinations, or precipitates or aggravates depression, anxiety, or other psychological problems.

Changes in the brain also make it impossible for the addict to resist the cravings to use. Their brain has become rewired, in a sense, and sends signals that it has to have the alcohol or drugs in order to survive. As soon as the addict tries to cut down or quit the drug of choice, within a short period of time, withdrawal sets in. Withdrawal symptoms can be mild to moderate to severe, depending on the type of substance, how long the addict has been using, how frequent the use, and other underlying conditions or contributing factors. Some individuals have a genetic predisposition to addiction. Any and all of these reasons make it virtually impossible for the addict to quit cold turkey – and stay sober.

The solution is treatment. Going into treatment isn’t a guarantee. Not everyone will emerge from the treatment program fully capable of managing his or her addiction right off the bat. As previously mentioned, some may need more counseling or to go back into treatment one or more times. But research shows that the longer individuals remain in treatment, the greater the likelihood that they will achieve a successful recovery.

Make the Most out of Treatment

Assuming that the individual makes the choice or is forced into treatment for addiction, what’s the best way to approach it? Research shows that fully committed individuals can navigate treatment by keeping the long view in mind. Naturally, some just want to get it over with so they can get back to their lives. They may not have an inkling of what treatment actually entails, yet. But they will. It’s good to look forward to the day when treatment concludes – the active phase of treatment, that is. When an addict is in recovery, they will always be in recovery. There will always be new things to learn, new strategies to adopt or adapt.

But, let’s get back to the issue of making the most out of treatment. That’s a positive, life-affirming choice that the individual makes. It may occur gradually, sometime after detoxification (the process of getting harmful substances out of the body that’s required before active treatment can begin), possibly during the middle of active treatment. At some point, the realization begins that life just may be more worthwhile, and that there is hope, there is a future – without alcohol or drugs.

Diving into the active treatment phase, what happens next depends on how engaged the individual is. The first step is learning about the disease of addiction. The individual will be assigned a counselor and will meet with a therapist for individual as well as group therapy. There will be educational discussions, lectures, programs. There are also therapies that are designed to elicit behavioral changes – to show the person that they can manage their disease by changing their behavior. This is called cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), and has proven very effective in helping addicts overcome their addiction.

Learning how to identify and recognize triggers to use, and learning and practicing coping skills to overcome cravings and urges is another important aspect of treatment that is vital to long-term sobriety. So, too, is the relapse prevention portion of active treatment.

There are many different therapy modalities that may be recommended. Each patient has a treatment plan that is personalized according to his or her unique needs. Ongoing supervision and reassessment result in modifications to the treatment program according to progress made – or lack of.

Treatment is also about attaining a balance of mind-body-spirit. There are times for recreation and leisure pursuits. There are other alternative treatment modalities including meditation, yoga, massage, and acupuncture. There may be art therapy, psychodrama, and equine therapy. Some past trauma victims who also have substance abuse may undergo eye movement desensitization reprocessing (EMDR), a form of psychotherapy that was designed to help patients resolve symptoms resulting from disturbing and/or unresolved life experiences.

Beating addiction gets a serious boost when the individual makes an intense effort to get the most out of treatment. Whether the treatment program is 30 days or 60 days or longer, the more involved the individual is, the more actively engaged in learning and practicing strategies and techniques that will help him or her in recovery, the better the chances that recovery will be sustainable.

Family Involvement is Key

One of the linchpins of successful recovery involves the family. When the addict has a supportive family, his or her chances increase for long-term sobriety. This doesn’t happen by accident, however. Even with the best intentions, family members can unwittingly sabotage their loved one’s abstinence upon return home. Besides maintaining a “clean” house, free of drugs and alcohol, there are other things that need to change before the loved one returns home. Behaviors and attitudes have to change.

Family members can’t be expected to figure this out by themselves. In fact, most can’t. Addiction is a family disease. Everyone in the family is affected by one member’s addiction. Just having the addict go through treatment without other family members getting help is counter-productive and will often lead to the addict relapsing shortly after treatment. There’s just too much emotional turmoil and chaos surrounding addiction that tears families apart. They need professional help just as much as the addict.

That’s why family therapy is offered as part of many residential addiction treatment programs. While the loved one is in treatment, family members attend family therapy on an individual and group basis. They learn about the disease of addiction and how they can support and encourage their loved one in recovery. This is especially beneficial for severely dysfunctional families, but all family members with an addicted loved one learn how they can help their family member in recovery.

But beating addiction involves more than just the desire to change, getting treatment, making the most out of treatment, and family members getting help.

Support Networks

Both the recovering addict and his or her family members need ongoing support. In the best circumstances, the addict and family members will begin and regularly go to 12-step support group meetings.

For the recovering addict, this is something that begins during active treatment. Upon completion of treatment, the therapists strongly recommend that 12-step group participation continue. The most well-known of the 12-step groups is Alcoholics Anonymous. Indeed, all other 12-step groups that followed have adopted and adapted the Alcoholics Anonymous philosophy, concept and 12-step format. There are 12-step groups for many substance addictions: Narcotics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Crystal Meth Anonymous, and Marijuana Anonymous. There are 12-step groups for other addictions as well, including gambling (Gamblers Anonymous), work (Workaholics Anonymous), eating (Overeaters Anonymous, Food Addicts Anonymous), spending (Debtors Anonymous), and sex (Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous).

Family members have their own 12-step groups. Al-Anon/Alateen is the family component group of Alcoholics Anonymous. Similarly, Gam-Anon is affiliated with Gamblers Anonymous and Nar-Anon (family component of Narcotics Anonymous). There’s Families Anonymous, a group formed to help family members hurt by a loved one’s addiction. Family groups for sex addiction include S-Anon Family Group (for family members of a person with some form of sexual addiction) and Codependents of Sex Addicts (COSA), for family members whose lives have been affected by another person’s compulsive sexual behavior.

Beating addiction, for the recovering addict, requires long-term support and encouragement. Besides the family, and for those who don’t have a supportive or any family, the 12-step groups fulfill this function. Unlike the family, however, 12-step groups are comprised of members who are also in recovery. They know what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night with overwhelming cravings and urges, how a crisis can trigger a relapse, how getting run-down or overstressed can be the tipping point. Through sharing of personal stories and strategies that worked for them, these fellow 12-step group members, along with the individuals sponsor, can serve as a lifeline in times of need. Beyond that, they’re always available for support and encouragement. Many long-term friendships develop as a result of participation in 12-step meetings.

The person in recovery is advised to continue his or her participation in these fellowship meetings for a period of 3 to 5 years. The first 90 days of recovery is the most critical, however. This is the time when the individual is most vulnerable. He or she is fresh out of treatment and trying to get acclimated to a new lifestyle that’s free of drugs or alcohol or other addictive behavior. Sometimes, it’s just too much. They are confused, frightened, uncertain what to do, or feel themselves ready to slip. Talking with others who’ve been in the same position and overcome such urges helps. Just having someone to listen is often enough. Getting past the 20 minutes most urges last is something that requires practice. What works for someone else may just work for the newcomer to recovery. At the very least, the recovering addict learns something invaluable in the process of attending 12-step meetings: he or she learns that it is possible to beat addiction. The sense of community, of helping others, is a big step the individual takes in the journey toward long-term sobriety.

Goal-Setting

Of course, getting clean and staying clean also means that the person in recovery has something to look forward to, including some tangible goals to achieve. The only way this can happen is if the recovering addict creates a recovery plan. This generally begins during the final phase of active treatment, shortly before the program concludes.

A recovery plan is a living document, one that’s constantly changing and evolving. It’s not just written down to satisfy an assignment with the therapist and then tossed aside and forgotten. To really beat addiction, the person in recovery needs to actively work the plan. This means revisiting the plan on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis, refining what needs adjustment, eliminating goals that are no longer desirable, adding new ones as opportunities present themselves. Sometimes plans change dramatically. This often happens as one short-term goal is realized and it opens up new avenues that the individual wants to pursue. Taking a class at night school or in the pursuit of a degree may spark an interest in a new field. Spiritual enrichment may lead the person in recovery to want to travel, to help others in need, to dedicate his or her life to some cause or purpose for the greater good of mankind.

It could be that the individual has a goal of buying a house, reuniting with the family, becoming financially stable, learning how to fly, or finding love with a prospective partner. Goals can be anything the individual wants and feels motivated to achieve. It doesn’t matter what they are, only that there are goals – and a plan to work in order to achieve them.

Goal-setting has another benefit in beating addiction. When a person sets goals, and starts the hard work of achieving them, it gives the individual hope. When you can see that what you do makes a difference, and that you can set your goals and make progress toward reaching them, your horizons expand. You begin to see that anything is possible. You begin to feel the first glimmers of hope. Eventually, you just have it. When you can hope and dream and make those dreams a reality in recovery, there’s every likelihood that you’ve got what it takes to beat addiction – for good.

Now, go live.

Twenty-five years after Melody Beattie wrote her groundbreaking book, Codependent No More, and following publication of three other books on codependence (Beyond Codependency, The Language of Letting Go, and The Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps), the author is back again, this time with The New Codependency. This latest work sheds new light on how codependency has changed in the quarter century since Beattie first wrote about the subject. But the book is so much more than that. Infused with her indomitable spirit, sense of belief in the power we have to take care of ourselves, and punctuated by her own inspiring story, The New Codependency stands on its own.

The author says she wrote the book for a number of different audiences. These include:

• People affected by someone else’s alcoholism, addiction, illness, compulsions, hurtful behaviors, including issues of abuse, rage, and anger management

• Those who are the legitimate caretakers of anyone, whether that be a parent, child, or spouse – who also need to remember to take care of themselves

• Men, women, and children who have been emotionally, physically, or sexually abused

• What Beattie terms as Double Winners, alcoholics or addicts codependency underneath – and especially those who need to forgive themselves for having the disease (of alcoholism or addiction)

• Children (adult and teenage) of alcoholics, addicts, and parents whose problem affected and still affects them

• People who are codependent on codependents

• “Classic codependents,” who are looking for more peace, power, and information, and are ready for an “upgrade” to Codependent No More

• Finally, for people who turned the idea of codependency recovery into just another set of repressive and fundamentalist rules
With such a broad audience, it could be argued that the scope is too large for a single book. This is not the case, as Beattie delivers on all fronts. First, however, let’s look a bit at Beattie’s background, her life experiences, why she’s qualified to write on the subject of codependency.

Many credit Beattie with coining the word codependent back in 1985-1986 – when she published her first book, Codependent No More. Readers of this latest work will discover in its pages the four decades of learning life lessons that Beattie reveals. These, more than anything else, show that she knows what she’s talking about. Beattie grew up in an alcoholic family, was abused as a child, placed for adoption, abused by a spouse, lost someone to suicide, and had a serious illness. She started drinking at 12, using drugs at 18, robbing drugstores and shooting narcotics at 20, ran out of veins and faced five years in jail by 24. But perhaps the most powerful words leap out on the first page of Section One, “Crossing Lines and Getting Back over Them Again”:
“I know what it’s like to lose yourself so badly that you don’t know if there’s a you or ever was one. I spent thirty years not knowing what boundaries were and another ten learning to set them. I gave until I was depleted and needed someone to take care of me. I threatened, begged, hinted, and manipulated to get what I wanted. I was convinced that I knew what was best for other people. I got so busy teaching them their lessons that I forgot to learn mine.”

Although she’s written four books on the subject of codependency, Beattie says she realizes that’s not enough. This most recent work is intended to clear up confusion, reveal new information, show how codependency has mutated over the years, give various support options, and remind us of the lessons we’ve learned. And, lest anyone think that codependency can just vanish, never to surface again, Beattie tells us that she sometimes will still “step in codependency puddles.” She may get hooked into someone’s stuff, and allow their problems to control her. Then she may over-engage or start reacting instead of taking the right action. That’s when she comes to an abrupt halt, and reminds herself that she needs to take care of herself.

An important concept is that when people sometimes resort to survival mode, it’s not relapse. Beattie says that when we care about someone and feel victimized when they betray us, give everything to those we love, or want to control others because we see them destroying themselves and hurt us – this doesn’t mean we’re sick. These are normal human reactions. According to Beattie, codependency is about normal behaviors taken too far – or crossing lines.

Here are some important points Beattie makes in the book:

• Alcoholism and other addictions are diseases. Codependency is a problem.

• Most recovering addicts and alcoholics have codependency underneath.

• If you’re in the codependent zone, you need to do whatever it takes to get back across the line. The goal of recovering from codependency is looking to and trusting yourself – not doing what someone else tells you to do.

• Excessive and unreasonable guilt is a common codependent trait.

• The biggest codependency issue many of us have is our need to control. Underneath that is fear, and under that is lack of trust.

• Codependency issues either cause us to be among the living dead or drain the life out of us slowly, tortuously. Codependents – like addicts – need to work recovery as though our lives depend on it, because they do.

• Taking care of ourselves can’t be reduced to a list of rules. Don’t’ let anyone tell you it can.

• Boundaries concern our behavior – what we will and will not do. It isn’t a boundary if we can’t enforce it. Expect people to test your boundaries. The more they have to lose, the harder they’ll push. They won’t stop pushing until they know you mean what you say.

• If we’re being manipulated time and time again by the same person or the same thing, we may have crossed into the codependent zone where we’re living in denial, dependency, or not trusting ourselves again. Healthy behavior means taking care of ourselves as soon as we recognized manipulation.

• We may never be happy certain events happened in our lives, but we can be happy again.

Fear, obsession, control, manipulation, denial, guilt, and resistance – Beattie deals with each of these. She also shows us how to make a conscious connection with ourselves and how to “catch and release” feelings so they don’t overwhelm us and drop us into the codependency zone.

There’s also a section on troubleshooting or what to do when we find ourselves in situations where we’re unsure of the right direction or action to take.

Who should read this book? The answer to that is easy: just about everyone. It’s likely that you or someone you know or love is codependent or affected by someone who is. Consider Beattie’s book an owner’s manual, of sorts, helping all of us to learn who we are and giving us tools to overcome unhealthy behaviors and reclaim our lives.

Celebrating your sobriety is an important part of your recovery. It’s also one that you need to factor into your life. Celebrations are, by their very nature, meant to be occasions of rejoicing, joy and sharing something that’s good. But they take planning and conscious thought. Celebrations don’t just occur without intention. Still, whoever came up with the idea of celebrating sobriety should be commended. Many times celebrations include alcohol – weddings, birthday parties, and anniversaries – but this is clearly something that doesn’t belong at a celebration of sobriety. The question is how can you celebrate your sobriety? Here are some suggestions.

Pick Your Moment

While impromptu celebrations can and do occur – and they’re very welcome – most of the time you’ll need to do a little advance preparation for your celebrate-sobriety occasion. So, it’s important to pick your moment. Anticipation is three-quarters of the rush, as addicts know, getting back to the basic physiology of addiction. Turn anticipation toward a positive outcome – your sobriety – by choosing a particular milestone you’d like to celebrate.

For those new to recovery, every day sober is a milestone, as it should be. Each day you’re clean and sober is one day more where you’re taking control of your life, banishing your demons, and becoming stronger in your commitment to sobriety. Be grateful every morning and acknowledge your efforts. This is self-congratulation – and you deserve it. Then, the first week, the first month – these are your next sobriety milestones. In your 12-step groups, you’ll undoubtedly receive recognition of such an achievement at the 30-day mark, as well as subsequent milestones. This is great reinforcement of your tremendous achievement. But you need more.

Family and friends can and should assist you in this endeavor. Perhaps there’s a special occasion that is coming up that you’d like to commemorate. It could be your 6-month milestone, or your first year, or 18-month sober mark. With the help of others, plan a celebration that heralds this achievement.

Public or Private

It’s up to you whether you want to call it out as an overt celebration of your sobriety or combine it with another family celebration such as the birthday of a spouse, child, sibling, or parent. This is a decision that’s truly personal. Some who are new to recovery are reluctant to let the world in yet. They may feel too vulnerable and not confident enough in their coping abilities. But you do need the reinforcement that comes from celebrating your sobriety milestone, whatever it is. One solution is to have a small and very private celebration, perhaps just with your spouse or significant other, perhaps with your 12-step sponsor or group members with whom you’ve become close. Perhaps you just reward yourself with something special. But, do celebrate the moment.

There will come a time when you are more confident in your ability to maintain your sobriety. You will have considerable practice at overcoming cravings and urges, and will have successfully navigated stress and minor (maybe even major) challenges that come your way. For some, this is around the 6-month mark, or their first-year anniversary of being clean and sober. Whenever you feel you’re ready, go for the more public celebration. The more reinforcement, encouragement and support you receive from others about your sobriety, the more solid your achievement will be in your own mind.

Types of Sobriety Celebrations

Unlike Christmas or Thanksgiving or Valentine’s Day, a sobriety celebration isn’t characterized by specific dates on the calendar, practices such as gift giving, carving turkeys or exchanging candy and flowers. In addition, there really isn’t a single type of sobriety celebration. That’s what makes the idea of celebrating sobriety so liberating – it can be anything that you want it to be.

Where can you find ideas for celebrating your sobriety? Your 12-step A.A. group is a good place to start. You could also search the Internet for ideas on how other 12-step groups, local and international, have celebrated members’ sobriety. Once you get going, you’ll come up with your own ideas. Here are just a few, gleaned from past group celebrations that were promoted or publicized on the Internet.

• Students for Recovery – While not a specific, single event per se, the Students for Recovery group at the University of Michigan (http://studentsforrecovery.com/) is an association of students (in recovery or supporters of those in recovery) that provides information, encouragement, support and sober events for its members. The Students for Recovery encourage interested individuals to attend their weekly on-campus meetings. The group recognizes the pressures of students trying to overcome internal challenges (maintaining sobriety) while they work to achieve external goals (academic success). This, in a campus atmosphere where students are constantly bombarded by flyers and promos for pub crawls, beer busts, keggers and more. With structured events, the Students for Recovery provide a supportive environment for empowering students to protect their recovery during their studies at the university.

• Annual Sobriety Celebrations – Certain local Alcoholics Anonymous groups, with Al-Anon participation, plan annual sobriety celebrations. Often, these annual events are heavily promoted throughout the area, with flyers posted at A.A. and Al-Anon groups. The annual event may have several years under its belt and carry a theme that helps encourage participation. Usually, there will be a guest speaker or speakers, maybe even a big name. This also helps boost attendance. There are dances, games, barbeques, conferences, workshops, meals and entertainment. Each celebration is different, but they all have one thing in common: to help members and their families celebrate sobriety. If your A.A. group doesn’t have an annual event, why not suggest a special celebratory day and volunteer to be on the committee to make it happen? And, if it does hold such an event, get involved in the preparations. You’ll be that much more energized when you’re part of the process. Finding ways to celebrate society is a way of bringing joy into your environment. And bringing joy to others means you also bring joy to yourself.

• National Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery Month – Go straight to the source for promoting the national Recovery Month event (http://www.recoverymonth.gov/). This year’s event, Recovery Month 2010, marks the 20th anniversary of Recovery Month. Presented by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Center for Substance Abuse Treatment within the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), this year’s campaign is expanding to reach today’s online world. This is heavily promoted on the Recovery Month 2010 website, which also includes resources for event planners (how to become an event planner, post and event or activity), how to order a 2010 Recovery kit, and recovery resources (how to find help or treatment, searching for recovery services, etc.). Although September is the national Recovery Month, you can celebrate recovery (sobriety) anytime of the year. Other information on the site includes learning more about Recovery Month, resources throughout the year, and finding out how you can participate. Each September, thousands of treatment programs around the country celebrate their successes and share them with neighbors, friends, and colleagues in an effort to educate the public about treatment, how it works, for whom, and why. Download the brochure, Promotional Event Ideas and Publicity Tips (http://www.recoverymonth.gov/Recovery-Month-Kit/Media-Outreach/~/media/Files/Kit/2009/508_pdfs/media_section/PromotionalEvents1.ashx), to help jumpstart your brainstorming to hold your own group event.

Recovery Month Ideas – Recovery Month 2010 publicity promotion ideas include the following:

• Schedule a conference or forum to discuss methods for combating addiction in your community

• Host a sporting event such as a Recovery Month run or walk

• Hold a ribbon-cutting ceremony or open house to celebrate the opening of a new treatment facility in your area

• Have the mayor sign a Recovery Month proclamation in a public place

Find Resources Throughout the Year – Promoting the benefits of recovery can help individuals and the public. Events can be large or small, and just getting involved in putting one together can be very rewarding. Find events that are already planned in your area or submit an event (http://www.recoverymonth.gov/Community-Events.aspx).

Sober Celebrations – Planning Meals without Alcohol

Any celebratory meal you can think of can be created, prepared and consumed without any alcohol. Even if you have guests who do drink, they can be politely asked to abstain during the celebration. Anyone who is a true friend probably knows about your addiction and recovery and will be happy to oblige. After all, true friends want you to succeed in your recovery as much as you do.

Check out Sober Celebrations: Lively Entertainment Without the Spirits (http://www.electricpressrelease.com/releases/2007/july-august/sober_celebrations.htm), by Liz Scott, published by Cleveland Clinic Press, 2007. Promoted as the “must-have” guide to holiday and special-occasion entertaining for chooses to celebrate alcohol-free, this cookbook contains more than 150 easy-to-follow recipes and 25 diverse menus. Included in the cookbook are substitution suggestions for recipes that call for alcohol, tips on using purchased ingredients to simplify cooking and entertaining, ideas for adding excitement and pizzazz to your celebration without alcohol, “mocktail” recipes and alcohol-free beverages, and information on health- and alcohol-related issues. Buy the book at (http://www.sober-celebrations.com/book/). Ms. Scott, a graduate of New York’s Culinary Institute and Villa Schifanoia in Florence, Italy, was honored by the Johnson Institute in 2005, one of 8 American pioneers and innovators in the field of addiction recovery. Her first book, The Sober Kitchen: Recipes and Ideas for a Lifetime of Sobriety, won numerous awards.

How About a Sober Celebrations Trip?

Clean and sober is a way of life for many individuals who have embraced sobriety as their core principle. Naturally, there are cottage industries that have sprung up seeking to capitalize on this ready audience. And, that’s not a bad thing. It’s better to have programs and merchandise tailored for and in recognition of sobriety than not. Why? For years, alcohol and substance abuse have been regarded as a stigma – and one that has only recently begun to abate. With the stigma being relegated to the past (for the most part, since there are still some who regard alcoholics and drug abusers – even those in recovery – in an extremely negative light), letting the light in and educating the public about treatment and recovery is a very good thing indeed.
One case in point is the travel industry. There are sober celebrations cruises, backpacking trips, wilderness trips, whitewater rafting trips, and so on. Sober Celebrations is one such outfit (http://www.sobercelebrations.com/) worth a look. Their mission statement tells a lot about the organization:

“Celebrate sobriety and fellowship while on fabulous vacations. Provide daily 12-step infrastructure for the length of the vacation. Create trips as cost effective and luxurious as possible. We have suffered enough. Operate anonymously and in the general vacation population.”

According to the site’s promotional message, sober trips are ones that you plan for. This strikes a chord, since we’ve already mentioned planning ahead for your sober celebration. Since your trip is in celebration of your recovery, planning is exciting and completed well ahead of time. Your sober celebration trip – whether a cruise or some other type of getaway – is one that you will remember for a long time. You should, however, consult your 12-step advisor prior to booking a sober celebration trip (say the website’s promoters). This organization is not affiliated with or endorsed by Alcoholics Anonymous. It is not a treatment center or a recovery convention. It is a so-designated “sober vacation for those who are spiritually fit enough to be in the general population.”

You don’t have to go to any particularly designated sober celebrations organization to plan your sober celebrations trip. You can organize one through your local 12-step group and plan it through a reputable travel company. Add guest speakers and special events and you’ve got a winning combination – a perfect way to celebrate your sobriety without alcohol.

Other Ways to Celebrate Your Sobriety Alcohol-Free

The preceding ideas hopefully will serve as a kick-start for your own creative suggestions on how to celebrate your sobriety without alcohol. Here are a few others you may wish to consider:

• Take the family away for a week-long adventure – Spending quality time with your family – the ones who are closest to you and will benefit the most from your continuing recovery – is a great way to celebrate your sobriety. Go on a wilderness trip or stay at a modestly-priced motel/hotel in or adjacent a national park. While you’re there, go on daily hiking adventures, horseback riding, canoeing or kayaking, whatever the park offers. The peacefulness of the setting, the communal nature of appreciating nature’s natural wonders with your family, and the ability to get away from life’s everyday stresses will be memorable for all concerned.

• Arrange a special meal – Your celebration of your sobriety can be as simple as a special meal you arrange for you and your spouse, special friend, or another. It can be a romantic, candle-lit celebration or a banquet for friends and family.

• Celebrate by helping others in need – What better way to celebrate and acknowledge your own sobriety milestone than to help others who may be in need? This doesn’t have to be a fellow friend in recovery – maybe you’re not ready for that yet. It could be that you help a neighbor who’s been confined to bed due to an illness, or the widow down the street that’s been having a difficult time since her husband’s death, or giving your time to help with your child’s Cub Scout or Girl Scout outing or school activity. While you are helping others, you are also helping yourself, getting stronger every day in your sobriety.

• Write in your journal – Capture your thoughts on this day of celebrating your sobriety by writing in a journal. You don’t have to be an author to write what you feel. It’s a personal journal, meant only for your eyes. So, feel free to include whatever comes to mind. Over the months and years to come, you will be able to look back and see the progress of your recovery. This is your gift to yourself that will pay you back in countless ways. You will be able to see how you’ve become stronger and better able to withstand the minor and then major challenges that have come your way, how you dealt with cravings and urges, how you emerged from hopelessness and despair and gained hope, self-confidence and purpose.

Make Plans to Celebrate Now

With what you now know – that anytime’s a good time for you to celebrate your sobriety – why not start now to make plans for your special celebration? Enlist the help of your family, close friends, and 12-step sponsor or group members as appropriate. But do begin thinking about and implementing your plans to celebrate your sobriety without alcohol.

Above all, congratulate yourself on a job well done. Every day sober is a day of great celebration. Add up the months and years of sobriety and you really have many reasons to celebrate.

Anyone who’s beginning treatment or living in early recovery recognizes that this is a whole new chapter in their life. Not all of those initial chapters are either predictable or pre-ordained. Much like a novel, what happens next is often quite surprising. It’s certainly filled with challenges. Using the book analogy to your journey to recovery is helpful because of the numerous parallels that are easy to understand and relate to. So, let’s focus on how you can close the substance abusing chapter of your life and move on.

It’s Your Story

In a book, who do readers care about most? It should be the hero or heroine, the main character, the one whose story the book is about. In a screenplay, which is the film version of a novel, albeit condensed to a shorter time period, it is the protagonist (which is really just another name for the main character). There are many characters in a book and in a screenplay, of course, but they are mostly incidental players, or have brief parts or impact in the main character’s life. The exception to this is the antagonist – the person (or circumstance or society, among others) that most stands in the way of the main character.
In the book and movie, the hero or heroine has goals. He or she may or may not achieve them by the story’s end. But it is the journey that readers (and audiences) care about. Will the main character achieve his or her goals? If not, what is standing in the way?

Drawing a parallel to your own life’s journey, where you are now is the beginning of the story. And, make no mistake about it, this is your story. Sure, there are other people (characters) in your life, but it’s your story that you should be focused on. You already know that your chief adversary, your opponent, if you will, is your addiction. Some of the people in your life may aid and abet your addiction, but nobody forces you to engage in the addictive behavior. You do that all by yourself.

So, think of recovery as your story. You’ve just made the decision to get help for your addiction, or you’ve completed treatment and are now embarking on an equally confusing and often paradoxical period of early recovery. Here’s where your story takes off.

Who Said It Would Be Easy?

It’s necessary here to make the point that your journey will be filled with ups and downs. Sometimes it will feel as if you’ve undertaken an impossible task. You may very well want to give up, thinking the task too difficult or that you’re not up to it. In the book and screenplay version, this might be referred to as refusing the call to action. You may have thought or said to yourself or others that you’re too busy to go for treatment, or that treatment isn’t working for you, or recovery is too hard, or your life is miserable absent your addictive behavior.

Well, who said it would be easy? Nothing worthwhile – and living in sobriety certainly ranks way up there – is ever trouble- or challenge-free.

Let’s get back to the beginning of your story – wherever you are right now in your journey. You’ve made a conscious decision to do something: to get treatment, or to work diligently to change your behavior to live a healthier lifestyle in recovery. Everything that happens from this time forward is in pursuit of your overall goal, which is sustained recovery.

Expect Twists and Turns

What happens in an engrossing and compelling story? You find yourself wanting to skip ahead, to learn what’s going to happen, to try to predict the future. If everything goes smoothly and nothing ever challenges the main character, you quickly lose interest and move on to other things. In your own story, you need to condition yourself to expect these twists and turns – not because you’ll lose interest – but because if you don’t see progress toward your goal by the simple fact of achieving smaller goals by overcoming obstacles, you may very well give up and relapse.

Addiction recovery experts say that the first six months to a year of early recovery are the toughest. It all depends on the individual, of course, and how long they were addicted, the type of addiction, frequency of use, whether or not there are multiple substances involved or a co-occurring disorder (substance abuse and mental health disorder), genetic predispositions, and family history, among other factors. In general, the longer you’ve been addicted, the greater the frequency and amount of the abused substance, multiple addictions, and genetic or familial factors combine to make closing the substance abuse chapter of your life more difficult. It may be difficult, but it is not impossible.

The key is to anticipate that you will experience twists and turns, hurdles that you will need to overcome, and many changes that you will need to figure out how to make.

Work Toward the Desired Outcome

Some addicts in early recovery aren’t mentally attuned to the long haul. They either haven’t fully absorbed the lessons they learned during treatment, or don’t feel skilled or practiced enough in utilizing the coping mechanisms necessary to get them through the tough times ahead.

One suggestion that may prove helpful is to keep focused on the long-term goal, and to work toward this desired outcome. You wouldn’t expect to nail an advanced degree by only taking a couple of courses, or some very tough ones, at that. In the book version, the main character needs to have a substantial and meaningful long-term goal. If not, the story and the character lack interest and motivation.

Speaking of goals, there is the overarching goal – sustained recovery – and there are also many short- and long-term goals. You should develop strategies for how you’ll go about achieving these goals, and get any necessary training, education, financial assistance, and support you need so that you are able to work toward those desired outcomes.

Don’t Let Pitfalls Derail You

Remember those twists and turns? In your story, while you’re solidifying your intention to close the substance abusing chapter of your life, you will encounter some minor, and, quite possibly major, pitfalls. The difference between a protagonist that’s successful in achieving his or her goal and one who gives up and never achieves it is determination and persistence. You simply can’t let obstacles and challenges deter you or derail your pursuit of your ultimate goal.

One way to marshal your resources is to list all the possible pitfalls that could occur – along with strategies for how you’ll cope with them. Enlist the help of your 12-step sponsor (from Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, and so on), or your counselor, to fully flesh out your list and arrive at creative and workable strategies and coping mechanisms.
In a story, if the main character just caves whenever there’s a slight problem, he or she is considered weak and unworthy of success. In your story, you can guard against the temptation to capitulate by being prepared – so that you don’t allow pitfalls to derail you.

Enlist Allies and Build Your Support Network

No main character goes it alone. That would make for a singularly uninteresting story. In your own journey, you also don’t go it alone – nor should you. In fact, without adequate support and encouragement from those who love and care about you (your family and friends and fellow 12-step members), your recovery is made much more difficult. Some individuals in recovery, lacking family or other support, relapse quickly. Some relapse several times before they realize the value and necessity of ongoing and non-judgmental support.

In fact, the addict in recovery who insists on going it alone makes the journey even more arduous than it ever should be. That’s like deliberately sabotaging his or her efforts at achieving a stated goal. And, we all know that, as human beings, we’re great at self-sabotage. The more important the goal, the more we seem determined to undermine our efforts.

Your support network can help you regain your sense of direction, solidify your conviction, and stick to your plan. If you feel that you’re about to slip, they can offer an understanding ear, suggestions on how to get back on track, and lift your spirits in the process.

Begin to build your support network early in your recovery. If you haven’t participated in 12-step meetings since completing treatment, it’s very important to start now. Go to regular meetings, several times a week if you need it, especially during the first six months. If you need help and it’s the middle of the night, call your sponsor or go online. There are meetings all over the United States and many foreign countries. Surely you can find one that’s “open” when you need to talk with others in your position. Remember that the only real requirement for 12-step members is a genuine commitment to sobriety and to helping others achieve a sober lifestyle as well.

Of course, you need sober friends as well. These can be old friends who didn’t abuse substances. Likely, though, they will be new ones, as you’ll need to steer clear of your former drinking and using pals. Where can you find new friends? Join a club, or get involved in learning a new skill, or taking classes toward getting or finishing a degree. Get outside and immerse yourself in recreational activities. You’ll undoubtedly meet new people who may become acquaintances, and then, good friends.

Maintain a Positive Attitude

Everyone in recovery feels down now and then. Sometimes you’ll feel down for extended periods of time, particularly if you encounter a major setback (emotional, financial, legal, work-related, social, and so on). While it’s certainly easier said than done, strive to maintain a positive attitude at all times. Even in the midst of a crisis, adopt the mindset that whatever is going on is only temporary. If you can make it through the next 24 hours, whatever it is will look different. Call on your support network to help you make it through particularly tough times.

Maintaining a positive attitude isn’t being a Pollyanna. It’s recognizing that you are in charge of your story. You are the one who can make the difference between whether or not you achieve your goals. With a positive and forward-looking attitude, you are helping to shape your future actions. If you see possibilities, you are more likely to welcome opportunities than to fear them. Rather than stagnating, you will be more open to change and willing to accept it – and move on.

Get Help When You Need It

Let’s say that you slip and relapse. The first thing you need to do is accept that it happened. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Get help immediately. Call your sponsor (anytime of the day or night). Seek the counsel of your therapist (if you still have one in continuing care or aftercare as part of your overall treatment program). Talk with a member of the clergy, a trusted friend, or understanding family member – who won’t enable you and can help gently redirect you back on the road to recovery.

In any compelling story, when something bad happens to the main character, we want him or her to succeed. To the extent that the main character actively pursues his or her goals – instead of merely living passively (and, thus, never really experiencing life) – we expect that the main character will seek the help of allies and experts when necessary. That’s the way to overcome formidable opponents and obstacles. Drawing the analogy to your own story, get help when you need it – and don’t be shy about it. After all, this is your story. You want to achieve your goals.

Add Fresh Goals

What happens when you achieve all the short- and many of the long-term goals on your list? Don’t give up and sit back thinking you’ve exhausted all your possibilities. That will only tend to numb you, make you lethargic, lacking motivation or drive. Pretty soon, you’ll be bored and seek stimulation in unhealthy behavior – perhaps even using again. The antidote to this is to always add fresh goals. That’s why it’s good to have a hierarchy, of sorts, of goals that are ever more challenging.

Make goals to encompass six months, 1 to 2 years, 5 years, and 10 years, and so on. Jot down what you’ll need to do in order to achieve those goals. Take steps to secure or amass those needs (knowledge, finances, endorsements, rebuilding relationships, etc.).

Sometimes, you’ll look over your list of accomplishments and see that what you have listed as future goals are no longer as desirable. Your overall prospects may have changed (and likely will) as new opportunities become available. You will want to avail yourself of these and not box yourself into goals that no longer are viable. Eliminate those goals that no longer work for you (and not ones that require you to exert effort), and change goals that require slightly different approach, strategies to accomplish, or time. The secret is to always keep your list of goals readily available so that you can make the necessary changes.

After all, isn’t this your story? You are creating your future.

Live In The Now – With an Eye Toward the Future

Dwelling on the past will get any main character in trouble. Since we’re talking about your story, why think about what happened when you hit bottom or the devastation your addiction caused? The only time this matters is when you are devising ways to rebuild your life, to fashion it according to the clean and sober lifestyle you’ve committed to achieve and maintain. And, it’s not a matter of rehashing old failures and actions. Rather, it’s more about living a life of principles and commitment, of righting old wrongs (making amends), and looking toward the future.

To that end, live every day in the present. Do the best you can with each waking moment. Also, keep your eye on the future, on where and what you want to achieve in the short- and long-term period.

As Confucius once said, “The longest journey begins with the first step.” This is your journey, your story. Begin today by taking the first step on your road to recovery. And remember that this is a lifelong journey. Your story will never be finished. It is an ongoing – and very compelling – saga.

Once you complete treatment for dependence or addiction to alcohol, drugs, or other addictive behaviors, it’s a whole new world ahead. This can also be a pretty frightening time if you fail to prepare yourself for a range of new emotions, challenges, obstacles and opportunities. Let’s face it, while treatment itself wasn’t easy at times, not having the security and constant presence of your counselors and the support and encouragement of fellow group members around may leave you feeling a bit lost. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Here are some suggestions to help you find your way on the other side of treatment.

Prepare for Changes Ahead

Before your emotions and fears get the better of you, stop and take a moment to reflect on what’s happened to you up to this point. You’ve likely gone through detoxification, active treatment with therapists involving individual and group counseling, possibly medication to ease withdrawal symptoms, 12-step meetings, and coping skills and relapse prevention training – the whole works.

Part of your overall treatment program probably included creating a personalized recovery plan just before you finished your active treatment. This is a very important document. It serves as a roadmap for your future, but it is certainly not set in stone. In fact, it is meant to be a flexible, constantly changing guideline that you alter as you achieve milestones you’ve set for yourself, or as new opportunities arise that you’d like to investigate. Some goals that you thought you wanted while you were in treatment may prove to be no longer viable – or you may have moved past them and on to even more challenging goals.

The truth is that it’s hard to see very far ahead when you’re deep in the midst of treatment. Part of the reason addiction treatment programs are effective is the fact that it is structured. While you are learning about the disease of addiction and how environmental, genetic and other factors played into you becoming addicted, how to recognize cues and triggers, what to do to avoid falling into relapse, and other important aspects of treatment, you followed a schedule. You always knew what was on the agenda for the day ahead.

Now that you’re either out of treatment or are close to it, you won’t have the benefit of that daily structured regimen. You will need to create your own plan for how you’ll move forward. But before you do that, it’s important that you adopt a mindset that embraces change. You need to see that change is good. Look at the tremendous changes you’ve already made in your life. You overcame your addiction by your determination, genuine commitment to becoming clean and sober, and your desire to live life to the fullest.

Will you always know what tomorrow will bring? No, of course you won’t. Actually, that’s to your benefit. Some of the greatest discoveries of a person’s potential are surprises. When you open yourself up to the possibilities of whatever is out there for you, those opportunities to change will appear. So, for now, your first step on the other side of treatment is to prepare for changes ahead – lots of changes.

Refine Your Recovery Plan

Next, take another look at your recovery plan. Now that you’re no longer in a structured treatment environment, you have a great deal of freedom. That’s the good news and the bad news. There’s more time to do what you want – and time to get into trouble if you neglect to follow the advice and recommendations of your counselors.

Put yourself to work by refining your recovery plan. There should be some immediate things that you need to do to accomplish some short-term (2 to 4 week, 6 months) goals. This may involve signing up for a class, enrolling in or going back to college, perfecting skills (computer, carpentry, etc.), finding a job, working on repairing relationships, fixing up the house – only you know what you’ve identified as your first priorities.

Take a look at your list. Have you forgotten anything? Are there more things that you can add? Think about short-term goals as ingredients in a recipe. The end goal is to achieve the most reasonable representation and realization of those ingredients. The more short-term goals you have, the better? Not necessarily. Be sure not to overload yourself with tasks and things to do this week and next week. You also need time to begin to address some of your longer term goals. In other words, in order to start to move forward on things you want to achieve in 1 to 5 years – like finishing your degree, buying a house, getting married or having children – you may need to lay the groundwork now.

When you are in early recovery – the first 6 months to a year – it’s a good idea to revisit your recovery plan once a week. Make notes on where you stand with your various goals and definitely note when you have accomplished each one. This should be cause for celebration. Every milestone you reach and can mark off as a successful endeavor is like money in the bank. In this case, it’s an investment in you and your future. As you proceed in your recovery, looking back over your list of accomplishments will build your self-esteem and self-confidence. It’s a great way to keep on track in your recovery.

Take Care of Yourself

With so many things on your agenda, it’s easy to neglect one very important item: taking care of yourself. While you were in treatment, you had three meals a day prepared for you, there were times set aside for exercise and leisure activities, and you went to bed at regular hours. Now that you’re on your own again, it’s vital that you pay attention to proper nutrition, exercise and getting enough sleep. In fact, this is a necessary part of the overall mind-body-spirit balance you should strive to achieve.
Maybe you don’t fancy yourself as a great cook, but you don’t have to be a gourmet chef to prepare nutritious meals. Think of mealtime as a chance to experiment with new ideas, colors, tastes and arrangement on the plate. You’ve heard the recommendation to eat 5 fruits and 5 vegetables a day. While that’s good advice, many people curl up their nose at the thought of piling all that stuff on a plate. You know it’s good for you, but you have no idea how to pull it off.

Here’s a tip. Make a big salad each day. This can be for lunch or dinner – or make a large enough one that you have some for both meals. In the salad, use several types of lettuce: romaine, mesclun, baby lettuces, Bibb. Maybe add in endive or escarole on occasion. Other items that you can choose to incorporate include radicchio (reddish, somewhat bitter but great flavor), carrots, onion (red, sweet, or green onions), and chopped red, yellow, orange or green peppers, radishes, jicama (crunchy and sweet like an apple), cucumber, and tomato. The beauty about salads is that you can create an endless combination and never get bored. Use different salad dressings or make your own. You’ll easily come away with 5 vegetables right off the bat. And, with tomato (a fruit), you’re already on your way to taking care of the fruit requirement.

Fresh fruit during the day makes a great snack. Buy what’s in season and take advantage of local farmers markets. You can
also eat a half grapefruit for breakfast. And, speaking of breakfast, all nutritionists recommend that you eat breakfast every day. Don’t skip it because you think you don’t have time. There’s always time for some yogurt or cereal, if not the full-scale eggs and breakfast meat or pancakes. You need fuel to get your body nourished for the day’s activities. Never, ever just have a coffee or a latte or cappuccino from the local coffee place and think you’ve got it covered. You’re only shortchanging yourself.

What about meat? You need protein, so meat is a good choice. Select lean meat if you’re going for red meat – and eat it sparingly. Buy fresh fish (don’t worry – you can broil them, sauté them or grill them) and especially become familiar with salmon. It’s a great source of Omega 3 oils which are great for every organ of your body. Poultry is great as well, such as turkey, chicken, Cornish hens. Just go easy on eating the skin (it contains a lot of fat).

Steer clear of too many carbohydrates or starchy foods. Avoid greasy foods and those with empty calories. That means, stay away from bags of greasy and salty potato chips, mounds of mashed potatoes – you get the idea. Another no-no is too much sugar. This throws your body off-kilter and can lead to spikes in blood sugar that could be dangerous. A little cake and ice cream now and then is fine. Just eat it in moderation.

One way to figure out nutritious meals is to watch some of the cooking shows on cable. Or buy a good cookbook. Or ask a friend to give you some easy-to-make recipes. You could even take a cooking class. The key is to use variety, lots of colorful fruits and vegetables, and use ingredients that are as fresh as possible.

Regarding sleep, make sure you get a good 7 to 8 hours each night. Although some people swear they can get by on 5 hours or less, they’re doing their bodies a tremendous injustice. The human body requires adequate rest in order to replenish, to revitalize, and to work through things in the subconscious that the conscious state is too busy to attend to. Be sure to go to bed at the same time every night and don’t watch TV in bed. Also, don’t eat anything for the last 2 hours before you retire. Avoid late consumption of soft drinks or caffeine as these tend to keep you awake. If you toss and turn, get up and go to another room and read until you feel sleepy. Then return to bed.

You also need adequate physical exercise to keep yourself healthy. Start out slow. You don’t want to overdo it and lose your enthusiasm. Go for a 20- to 30-minute walk a few days a week. You can vary your route or go to parks, beaches, the mountains or a nature trail so you don’t get bored. The idea is to do it regularly. You need to make time for this at first, but after a while it will become part of your routine and something that you look forward to. You can always add more strenuous exercise when you’re more physically fit – or find something you really want to do, such as mountain biking, cross-country or downhill skiing, racquetball, basketball, softball, etc.

Broaden Your Circle of Friends

While you’re looking at your new life in recovery, make sure that you arrange to be in the company of others. The last thing you want to do is sit at home and stew about your troubles, lack of money, stresses at work, wondering how you’ll do this or that. You need to be with people, period.

If you have a supportive family, that’s a great place to start. No doubt your family will welcome seeing you back at get-togethers (Sunday dinner, watching a sports game, barbeques, etc.). Even if you have been estranged from them, however, it’s important that you make the effort to repair your relationships. Take it one day at a time, and keep at it. Sometimes this takes a lot more time that you realize. After all, you may have been at odds with them for many months or years. This doesn’t get repaired overnight.

There are other ways to be in the company of others. Some of the friends you used to associate with you may now know weren’t really your friends at all. They were enablers or your drinking buddies or those you used to do drugs with. You already know you need to steer clear of them, but where do you go to find new friends?

If your treatment program included participation in 12-step group meetings, one way to find people who have gone through the same type of situation is to find a 12-step meeting near you and continue to attend regularly. This is a safe environment where no one will criticize or look down on you. There are no judgments or expectations. Everyone is there to help themselves and other group members succeed in recovery. If you find someone that you like, cultivate a personal friendship. Use this as a stepping stone to broadening your circle of friends.

You could also consider joining a club. Start with what interests you. It could be sports, reading, going to movies, travel, even an adventure club. When you are with others pursuing a common interest, there’s always opportunity for conversation – and, perhaps friendship. You’ll also have something to look forward to in your free time – something you can add to your agenda.

What If You Get Down?

Of course, not every day will be a perfect one. There will be challenges and obstacles to overcome. You know that. But don’t let yourself become discouraged, either from lack of progress toward your goals or the gnawing feeling that you could be doing better. These are traps that are basically remnants from your past come to haunt you. When you find that things are piling up or you feel uncertain what to do or just need someone to talk to, contact your counselor or 12-step sponsor. Don’t stew over it. Do something about it.

Remember that you are human. You aren’t perfect. If you find yourself slipping, reach out right away and get help. And, help is always there for you. Being able to recognize and accept it is another important part of finding your way on the other side of treatment.

With Americans today taking a fresh look at all aspects of their lives, including financial, social and health, it makes sense that revisiting the rationale for some old habits is a good idea as well. Besides paring down household expenses, doing away with discretionary purchases, simplifying your life and putting more emphasis on quality family time, you can do yourself – and your family – a big favor by making some healthier choices for cocktail hour.

It’s Not Written in Stone

Whoever coined the words “cocktail hour” probably had some financial stake in getting Americans to drink alcohol. That’s just an assumption, and it may be wrong, but the fact of the matter is there’s nothing written in stone that says there is such a thing as a cocktail hour. Or, for that matter, that drinking is necessary to the preservation of life. Sure, you have the proponents that tout alcohol’s ability to make you feel more relaxed and to temporarily relieve stress from everyday problems. But a lot of other activities can do that as well – and they’re not potentially addictive.

Benefits of Not Drinking

Before we look at some healthier choices for cocktail hour, let’s go through some of the potential benefits realized by not drinking – or cutting out drinking altogether. Some of them may be a bit surprising.

• No alcohol = no addiction. You can’t become addicted to alcohol if you never start drinking in the first place. It’s as simple as that. This is a truth that many people never think about, believing, perhaps erroneously, that they will always be able to control their alcoholic intake and never have a problem with it. What people don’t take into consideration is that alcohol affects everyone differently. Women are more susceptible to alcohol’s effects (they become intoxicated faster) than men. Rate of intoxication varies wildly from one person to another due to general health, weight, height, medications and/or other substances taken, genetics, family history, and other factors. It is impossible to predict with any reliable accuracy when a particular individual will become intoxicated and to what extent they will be impaired. So, the first big benefit is that if you never drink, you will never become addicted to alcohol.

• Cutting out alcohol + treatment may = recovery. On the other hand, for many Americans, alcohol has been a part of their lives for some period of time. It is no longer a matter of never drinking in the first place, but more of what to do now that they have been drinking for years. There is a big benefit to be realized by cutting out alcohol consumption entirely and, for those who have a problem with alcohol (frequent blackouts, missing work, health problems, etc.) or who are alcoholics, getting treatment. For these individuals who make the conscious choice to be clean and sober and get help to overcome the disease, they have a very good chance of a successful recovery – to live their lives free of alcohol.

• Eliminating drinking saves money. It’s been many years since the days of the 5-cent beer. Cocktails or mixed drinks today can run $10 each or more. Premium brands are even more expensive. Take a husband and wife out for drinks on a Friday night, plus dinner with wine and possibly an after-dinner drink or two, and you’ve got a tidy sum spent. Popping over to the bar to spend a few hours with your buddies and knocking back beers followed by hard drinks, or just pitcher upon pitcher of beer, is similarly expensive. Think you’re saving money by buying booze and drinking at home? Even the cheapest brands (and who really drinks those anyway) add up. Over the course of a year, the tally just for alcohol can easily be hundreds of dollars – or more. Think what you could do with that extra money that would be much more beneficial.

• Lose calories by ditching alcohol. It’s a fallacy that there are no calories in alcohol. Some alcoholic drinks have fewer calories than others, but they generally all have some calories. Using alcohol calorie counters available on the Internet, here is a breakdown of some standard drinks:

o 1 fluid oz. 80 proof gin, rum, vodka, whiskey = 64 calories
o 1 can or bottle (12 fluid oz.) regular beer = 153 calories
o 1 can or bottle (12 fluid oz.) Bud Light beer = 110 calories
o 1 glass champagne = 91 calories
o 1.3 oz. Bailey’s Irish Crème = 94 calories
o Daiquiri (4 oz.) = 122 calories
o Martini (3.5 oz.) = 140 calories
o Manhattan (3.5 oz.) = 164 calories
o Margarita cocktail (4 oz.) = 168 calories
o Red wine (4 oz.) = 80 calories
o Dry white wine (4 oz.) = 75 calories
o Sweet wine (4 oz.) = 105 calories
o Whiskey sour ( 3 oz.) = 122 calories

• Maintain a clearer head and no down time. Even a couple of drinks can affect how you feel the next day. Avoid the dreaded hangover and lost time and productivity by eliminating drinking from your routine.

• Alcohol and medications don’t mix. Many people fail to recognize the potential negative interactions of alcohol and medications. Even if they see the warnings on the medications, they pay no attention to them. Avoid harmful, and potentially fatal, alcohol/medication interactions by not drinking alcohol.

• Be a safe driver – don’t drink and drive. Alcohol is a depressant and among its other drawbacks is the fact that it slows down reaction time, negatively affects judgment, planning and decision-making. This can prove disastrous when a person drinks and gets behind the wheel.

Healthier Alternatives for Cocktail Hour

None of what is said here is meant to imply that a reasonable and intelligent person cannot drink responsibly. Most Americans are able to be responsible drinkers. What is intended is to help bring about an appreciation for other ways to spend your free time, ways you can relax, reduce stress and feel good about yourself that do not involve alcoholic consumption.

There is no question that a great deal of media attention is being paid to the problem of alcoholism in today’s society. Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA), the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) and others devote a great deal of effort toward increasing public awareness of alcohol prevention, treatment and recovery programs and services.

The problem of alcoholism in America is real. So, too, is the increasing magnitude of problem drinkers – those who are not alcoholics, but experience difficulties related to their drinking. Alcohol prevention messages, school education programs, and parental influence and behavior all can help shape the attitudes of adolescents and teens. But everyone can benefit by taking a fresh look at alternatives to drinking.

• Drink non-alcoholic beverages. It may be difficult to just stop hanging out with your friends, at least at first. Start by ordering a non-alcoholic beverage – and don’t ask for a shot to give it a kick, either. Limit yourself to one drink and then excuse yourself. Say you have an appointment, are going to work out, play a sport, or meet the family for dinner or recreation.

• Arrange to meet elsewhere. Instead of hooking up at the bar or restaurant where you normally have drinks, suggest your friends meet you at another location. If the idea is to socialize, you can do that almost anywhere. It doesn’t need to be at a bar. Let’s face it. If you’re at a bar, you’re likely to drink, and to drink more than you intended. It is there, readily available, and being promoted by not only the bartender or waitress (“Anything to drink?”), but also your friends.

• Do something different. Who says you have to drink to have fun? Why not meet at the park or basketball court and engage in a sport? Go hiking, running, work out at the gym, or engage in a competitive sport. Go to a movie, visit a museum or art exhibit, or check out a special show.

• Get a massage. Relieve your tension and stress by getting a professional massage. You’ll probably spend about the same amount or less (you can get a good massage at a massage school for about $25 plus tip), and you’ll feel a whole lot better afterward.

• Learn something new. You’ve got some time on your hands, so why not allocate that time to learning something new? It can be a new hobby you’ve always intended to get into, or it may be that you want to learn a new language, go back to school and finish or begin your degree. The point is that you are more productive and doing something worthwhile for your future when you engage you mind – instead of just consuming alcohol.

• Work out. Exercise releases endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Work up a sweat and do your body and your mind a favor. You’ll become more toned, have better cardiovascular health, and you may even drop a few unwanted pounds.

• Laugh. How long has it been since you had a good laugh? We’re not talking about just polite laughter, but a real belly laugh? Did you know that hearty laughter uses almost every muscle in your body? There are an amazing number of health benefits from laughter, everything from reducing stress and emotional pain, to eliminating food cravings, connecting with others and providing a safe and natural physical and mental release. Laughter is also contagious, so when you laugh, others are likely to follow.
Encourage your laughter with a funny book, movie or comedy show. Tell a few good, clean jokes. Engage your funny bone and reap the many positive benefits.

• Do something for someone else. Drinking is a fairly selfish activity. Sure, you may be with others, but you are dulling your senses and telling yourself it is making you feel good. Instead of downing some drinks, why not go out of your way to do something for someone else? The possibilities are endless, but here are just a few. Volunteer to help those in need. This can be at a seniors’ home or assisted living residence, a children’s center, your child’s school, or a community or neighborhood program. Closer to home, surely you know someone on your block or nearby that could use some assistance. It may be the elderly neighbor whose wife is confined to her bed. It could be the family that has a seriously ill child or the person whose car is in the shop and can’t get out for errands. Offer to help your neighbor with yard work or painting or other heavy-duty chores.

• Be good to your parents. How long has it been since you called or visited your parents? Even if they live in town, time has a way of flying by and we often forget to pick up the phone and engage Mom and Dad in conversation. Don’t just call because you feel obligated to do so or need something from them in return. Better yet, bring them a gift – just because – or take them out to dinner to their favorite restaurant. Tell them you love them, even if it feels funny or strange and you’re out of practice. You’ll be amazed at how good it will make you feel to pay special attention to your parents – and they’ll get a lot out of it as well.

• Play with your children. Another excellent way to spend your free time is to play with your children. Too often, parents are so busy getting through their own day that they forget the needs of the children. Our kids require more from us than just meals, clean clothes, and someone to make sure their homework is done. We also need to listen to them and care about what they’re doing. But, you can do both by having fun with them. Before or after dinner, or on the weekends, go out for a walk as a family. Play board games or do sports together. Go camping, hiking, visit the children’s museum or go to the zoo, circus or other special event. Make it your goal to bring a smile to their faces, joy to their lives, and laughter to their lips. You can’t imagine the rewards you will reap simply by doing this. Think back to your own childhood and how great you felt when your Mom or Dad spent some special time with you. Then do the same for your children.

• Enrich your spirituality. While we’re on the subject of lifting the spirits of others (children, family, those in need), how about paying some attention to your own spirituality? Whether you belong to, practice, or believe in a religion, or simply believe in the power of the spirit, take the time now to become more in touch with your own inner power. Call it your soul, your inner being, whatever, but become more introspective. You can develop your heightened sense of spirituality through meditation, yoga, deep breathing exercises, prayer and self-reflection. Take instruction to learn how to do this, or teach yourself through books, CDs and DVDs. Expect to devote some time to get the hang of it (the learning curve), and be sure to include this in your daily planning. You want a block of time when you will not be distracted by outside influences – no ringing phones, radios, TVs – so that you can concentrate on developing your inner self.

These are just some recommendations to healthier choices for cocktail hour. There are countless others. Use your imagination, but start with these to get the ball rolling. You don’t have to be an alcoholic or have a problem with alcohol to see improvement when you give up drinking. Everyone can benefit from making healthier choices to the habit of consuming alcohol.
Remember, the new day and the new you begin now.
 

Addiction takes a tremendous toll on everyone involved – the addict, family, friends, employer and coworkers. Beyond the anguish and heartache of having to deal with the addiction itself, the spouse, significant other or loved ones of the addict often suffer the added burden of financial difficulties as well. Pressure to stretch rapidly diminishing family funds mounts to the point where the next unexpected bill may push things to the breaking point. When things don’t add up, how can you deal with the financial fallout from addiction?

Don’t Panic

It’s a natural reaction to feel overwhelmed by crushing bills coming at you from every direction. You fear that you may not be able to hold the family together, that you may lose your home, car or possessions. You toss and turn at night worrying how you will protect your children from deprivation. Your own health – mental and physical – may suffer. How can you face your friends? How will anything ever be normal again?

The best advice from addiction experts treating families is not to panic. There is help available to you, assistance that you need to take advantage of. But first you need to know what you’re dealing with – the extent of the financial morass you’re in as a result of your loved one’s addiction.

Taking Stock

There’s the cost of the addiction treatment itself and/or counselors, various types of inpatient or outpatient therapy, transportation and incidental costs. Then there’s the fact that while your loved one is undergoing treatment, he or she isn’t working and there’s no regular paycheck to take care of even normal household expenses. Depending on how long your loved one has struggled with addiction, and what type of addiction it is (alcohol, street or prescription drugs, multiple or co-occurring disorders, gambling, sex, overspending, eating, overwork), there’s the racked-up cost of the addict’s habit.

Here’s what to do:

• Make a list of every outstanding debt. Include major recurring expenses such as the monthly mortgage and/or home equity loan or line of credit, car loan or lease payments, insurance costs (home, car, life, health and accident), credit cards (which may already have been maxed out), student or other loans, cell phones and utilities. Add in the costs for food (including food for pets), clothing, and any tuition costs for yourself or any children, and incidental expenses.

• Next, identify which expenses can be trimmed or cut out. Do you really need a cell phone for every member of the family? Can you go to a lower level of minutes or cut out expensive features such as unlimited downloads, texting and Internet access? Sacrifices will need to be made by everyone in the family in order for you to get through the financial crisis. It’s not pretty, but it is necessary.

• Get to the bottom line of what you absolutely have to pay out every month for basic necessities: shelter, food, and utilities. Now, you’ve got a total that you have to deal with. Somehow you need to find the money or assistance to pay for these family necessities.

Ask for Help

There’s no reason why you should have to go it alone during this emergency. That’s not only unrealistic, it’s foolhardy. With all the pressure and stress you’ve been under, you’re likely not the best judge of optimal solutions – financial or otherwise. You need help. Ask for it.

• Engage the family – Where should you find such help? You can start by having a candid discussion with your family, perhaps your parents or adult siblings. They may not know the extent of your difficulties and, while it may be painful for you to admit, your family will likely rally around you and offer assistance. Even if they’re not in a position to help you financially as much as they’d like, they can prove to be an invaluable resource as you navigate the financial waters and pull your life back together. They may help with transportation to and from family treatment, or taking the children while you are involved in negotiating repayment with creditors, getting a first, new or second job, or doing other errands.

• Family treatment may provide assistance – Help is also available through family counseling or treatment for family members of the addict. If your loved one has such family counseling as part of his or her treatment program, by all means take the opportunity to get this assistance. Family treatment covers all aspects of dealing with the loved one’s addiction – including helping family members come to grips with the mounting financial burdens they face. The family treatment counselors may even be able to recommend financial guidance advisors. If not, you should find one on your own.

• Secure a financial guidance counselor – Financial counselors often provide such services at low cost or free of charge. Investigate what’s available to you through federal, state or local sources. Again, the family treatment counselors can be a big help here. They know the ins and outs of the systems, where to go to get financial aid, what scholarships or loans or special repayment plans are available to help cover the costs of the addict’s treatment, for example. Even if your loved one is in outpatient treatment, use the resources available through the staff to find what you need.

• Join a 12-Step Group – While they don’t offer financial assistance, the benefits of joining a 12-step support group are incalculable. There are support groups for almost every kind of addition, and most have support groups for the family, friends and others close to the addict. The members have all been through what you’re going through and can offer emotional support. Listening to how they’ve been able to pull through may give you inspiration to do something similar. Just having others who understand the financial difficulties you’ve incurred can be a tremendous help. Here are some of the 12-step groups and the addictions they cover:

o Gam-Anon – According to its website, Gam-Anon is a “life-saving instrument for the spouse, family or close friends of compulsive gamblers.” See their About Gam-Anon page to learn how they can help. Explore the other sections of the site and find meetings near you.

o Nar-Anon – Nar-Anon’s members are relatives and friends of those who are concerned about another’s drug problem or addiction. Adapted from the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, Nar-Anon uses Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions and Twelve Concepts. For more information about Nar-Anon, see their About Nar-Anon page.

o Al-Anon/Alateen – For those whose life is affected by someone’s drinking (spouse, child, parent or friend). On the site’s home page appear the words: “to help them, you have to help yourself first.” Call Al-Anon/Alateen at 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666). Al-Anon (including Alateen for younger members) has been offering support through strength and hope for friends and families of problem drinkers. To find out more about Al-Anon/Alateen, including how it can help you and where to find a meeting, visit their information page at http://www.al-anon.org/english.html.

o Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) – ACA is a 12-step and 12-tradition program of men and women who grew up in alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional homes. Visit their website to find meetings, look at FAQs, and find out how ACA can help you. Go to http://www.al-anon.org/english.html and bookmark it for easy reference.

o Co-Anon Family Groups – Co-Anon Family Groups is a fellowship consisting of men and women who are husbands and wives, parents, relatives or close friends of those who are addicted to cocaine. Visit their website at http://www.co-anon.org/ to learn more about Co-Anon and how it can help you, including information on the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Co-Anon uses, do’s and don’ts, about addiction and denial, where to find meetings, obtain literature and sign up for newsletters.

o Co-Dependents Anonymous Worldwide Fellowship – CODA’s purpose is to help its fellowship of men and women to develop healthy and loving relationships. Go to their Tools for Recovery page to learn more about how CODA may be able to assist you.

o COSA – This is a fellowship of men and women whose lives have been affected by someone else’s compulsive sexual behavior. The site offers information about COSA, where to find meetings, helpful literature and recovery tools.

o S-Anon International Family Groups – S-Anon is a recovery program for those who have been affected by someone else’s sexual behavior. Go to their What is S-Anon page and learn more about how participation in this 12-step group can help you.

What to Expect

Going through recovery with your loved one can be a stressful time indeed. You shouldn’t expect immediate results even after your loved one returns home after completing treatment. It may take months – or even years – for the person in recovery to really solidify his or her long-term recovery plan and begin to work it successfully. That’s why it is critical that you and other family members receive ongoing counseling during and after your loved one enters an addiction treatment program.

While you don’t want to concentrate on the negative, understand that relapse is common among during early addiction recovery. By participating in family treatment or counseling, you will be better prepared to deal with your loved one’s relapse should it occur.

Making strides toward financial recovery on the part of the family will also take some time. Again, it depends on the extent to which your loved one’s addiction plunged you into financial difficulty. As with recovery in general, financial recovery is a process that you work at every day. Over time, you can be made whole again. You may not be at your previous financial strength, or you may even surpass where you once were. There are no guarantees except for one: if you do nothing, you will lose more than you can afford to. Keep your family together and do whatever it takes to rebuild your life – including your recovering loved one.

Working with your financial counselor, chip away at all the unnecessary expenses. Reduce or eliminate all credit cards. Don’t leave sums of cash around the house that the returning addict may have access to – as this will often trigger a relapse. It doesn’t matter what the addict’s drug of choice is, money means they will be able to go out and satisfy their urges – for alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc. – even if they swear they have no intention to do so. You need to remove the temptation and safeguard your family finances.

Financial counselors may also advise that you put everything in your name, or that you control all the household finances, including checking and savings accounts. This isn’t meant to be an exhaustive list of what those recommendations may be. It’s just representative of the kinds of strategies financial guidance counselors may suggest. Your own financial circumstance and any proposed financial recovery plan will likely be very different from someone else’s. Be guided by sound financial advice from your counselor and be prepared to take the tough steps to implement your financial recovery plan.

Use your support network in the various 12-step groups that you join. You can even participate in meetings in many of the groups online or over the phone. And many of them have international meeting locations so you can get support when you travel. Remember that these are individuals who have gone through what you have – emotionally, physically, socially, and financially. Who better to understand and listen than someone who’s experienced the same setbacks – and came through them successfully.

Remain close to your family and friends during this time as well. While they may not be able to provide financial support – or, at least, to the extent that they’d like – they are your bedrock and your emotional base in a time of desperate need.

Above all, trust in the future and believe that you can – and will – again be able to thrive as a family unit, with financial stability and the self-confidence and self-esteem that such financial independence provides. It won’t always be the dark journey that you once feared. The fact that you have allies and those who love you in your corner will comfort and sustain you when you need it most.

In the tomorrow that you strive for, look on this time as a journey. You and your family are creating the future day by day. Together with your loved one in recovery – or separately as your own circumstances warrant – chart your journey to include all your hopes and dreams. One day, and it may come sooner than you think, you will be able to look back on this period of your life as a challenge that you have successfully navigated and overcome.

If you are like most individuals in recovery, going through drug or alcohol rehab was probably one of the most difficult experiences you’ve ever faced. Having made it through the tough part, however, doesn’t quite prepare you for some of the out-of-the-blue situations you’re likely to encounter post-rehab. Like what to do when friends turn on you?

There’s no question you’re in a vulnerable state. After all, you’ve just kicked dependence on alcohol and/or drugs, possibly even a co-occurring disorder that you’re coming to grips with. This ordeal has taken a great amount of courage and determination for you to just get this far. You expected – or, at least hoped – that your friends would stand by you, giving you the support you need. Many probably even promised to do so. The reality is, however, that not everyone is equipped emotionally to follow through on even the most well-meaning of intentions.

Now, what? Here are some tips on how to deal (or not) with turncoat friends.

Consider the Source

How good a friend is the person? Is this a childhood friend, someone you grew up with, went to school with, or work with? Or, is he or she someone you only know casually, through hobbies, sports, other acquaintances? There’s a big difference between a long-term friendship and recently acquired friends. The longer you’ve known someone, the more invested you – and they – are in the relationship. This may help you to decide whether it’s worth pursuing the friend who has, hopefully, only temporarily turned their back on you.

If you determine that this friendship is one worth fighting to maintain, expect a difficult road ahead. Depending on the reason for the friend becoming distant, you may have a number of fences to mend. Have you wronged the individual by stealing money, lying, being unreliable? Have you caused the person great embarrassment or shame? Have you physically and/or emotionally harmed them? The greater the harm you’ve inflicted, the more unlikely the friendship can be mended. You may just need to accept the fact that it’s gone.

Examine your Motives

Why do you need this friendship so much? Do you feel that you are incomplete without contact with this person? Do you feel that you cannot continue in your recovery if you can’t be friends? Why is that? What type of motivation prompts you to feel this way? Is it out of a sense of uncertainty in your own abilities? Is it a feeling of loss, jealousy, or fear?

Friendship, like love, must be given freely and without expectation of something in return. If you are clinging to a romanticized or unrealistic vision of times in the past, this isn’t a basis for a friendship. Things have definitely changed, especially in your life. Have they changed for the other party as well, or are they stuck in the same kind of life (drugs and alcohol) that you’ve just renounced?

Face it. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t be in recovery and still hang with friends who use. It just won’t work. You remember that lesson from rehab.

Make Amends

Part of your recovery most likely involves regular attendance and participation in 12-step meetings. Going through the steps, you will sooner or later need to make amends to those whom you’ve wronged. Your sponsor and new friends you meet in these support meetings will help you as you attempt to figure out your best approaches to making amends – but they can’t do it for you. What works for someone else in recovery may not work for you, although their stories and support will prove invaluable to you in your quest.

Recognize that some friends who turn on you may not be amenable to your making amends – no matter what you do. Some you have hurt too badly, while others may just not want any further contact with you for any reason. Remember that making amends should be done only if doing so will not cause harm to others. Don’t just think of your own needs in making amends. You also need to think of how your reappearance in the friend’s life will affect them.

If you cannot see or talk to the friend to make amends, write your intentions down on paper and speak them aloud to yourself. Then, destroy the paper. You’ve set your intentions to make amends without actually causing any further harm to the individual. No, you can’t keep or rekindle the friendship – at least, not at this time – but you can relieve yourself of the burden of not having made the attempt at amends.

Steering Clear of the Wrong Type of Friends

Some former friends are better left alone. They may rail, rant and rave or try to entice you back into the habits you’ve worked so hard to leave behind. It all may sound and appear so glamorous and you may miss the fun, excitement and camaraderie you once experienced with them. But it’s all a false memory. Those times were anything but conducive to a balanced, sober existence. You simply cannot be around these friends any longer. Whether they turn against you – or you decide you have to stay clear of them – the friendships are over. It’s best to wrap your mind around that and move on.

Make New Friends

You certainly aren’t doomed to a friendless existence just because you’re in recovery. In fact, your life has taken on new meaning, and there’s an endless stream of possibilities ahead. Free of the shackles of alcohol and drugs, you’re now able to make plans for the future, things you may never have believed you deserved, let alone strive for.

What do they always say about love? The harder you search for it, the harder it becomes to find it. You could say the same thing about friendship. Instead of being desperate for friends, approach others in a manner of wanting to be of service. Think how you can be of assistance to others. You’ll be amazed at the rewards this will bring.

First of all, you’re thinking outside of your own wants and needs. You are putting the welfare of others ahead of your own. And, guess what? It feels good. By doing things for others – helping Habitat for Humanity build a home in a community, donating time at an assisted living center, shopping for your elderly parent, neighbor, volunteering at your church – you will find that your own troubles and insecurities vanish.

Undoubtedly, working alongside others in a group endeavor will allow you to make new acquaintances. These relationships may very well turn into friendships.

Another way to make new friends is to take up a sport or hobby. Join a group that goes cross-country skiing, goes on wilderness hikes. Learn woodworking or carpentry. You might consider taking a class, or go for (or finish) your degree. There are many possibilities.

Be Yourself

You might wonder how you should present yourself in these new situations. The best advice is to be you. Don’t try to project an outgoing personality if you are, by nature, more reserved. You’re not in a popularity contest, and you don’t need to prove anything.

That doesn’t mean, however, that you can let anything fly. Exercise caution in what and how you say things to others. Be courteous, respectful and maintain proper boundaries. People will let you know by body language and verbally whether they want to reciprocate in a friendship.

The Power of Forgiveness

Suppose you’ve made your amends – on your lists, if nothing else – and still feel the twinge of guilt or sadness over loss of your friends. You’ve changed your life, but you can’t change the past or how others feel about you. Now, it’s time for you to forgive. You need to forgive yourself first, and then others. They may not be able to forgive you, and that’s something you also can’t change. But there’s a tremendous sense of relief when you can unburden yourself of the guilt and/or shame over past deeds.

Trust in your ability to make the right choices going forward. Enlist the support of your sponsors and allies in the 12-step groups. Talk with your counselor or therapist about any concerns.

Give it Time

Here is another concept you’re familiar with by now – taking it one day at a time. Each day that you are in recovery is one more day in the rest of your life of sobriety. You will grow stronger and more confident each day – if you allow yourself to do so. This means that you approach each day with a positive attitude, making short- and long-term goal that you work towards achieving. It can be as simple as learning a new skill or as complex as building a house from the ground up. This also applies to emotional growth. Whereas you may have been closed off emotionally before, now you can make it a point to open yourself up a little more each day.

Don’t think that others won’t notice the changes. They will, and will react accordingly. Openness, trust and trustworthiness, and a profound sense of giving of yourself to others will result in untold rewards – riches of mind, body and spirit you may never have thought possible.

Time unfolds faster than you think. What may seem interminable stretches of loneliness and solitude now will vanish in the blink of an eye once you become involved in making new goals and striving toward accomplishing them. Remember to take it one day at a time. Embrace today for what it can bring, and look forward to tomorrow for even more possibilities.

Will There Be Setbacks?

Realistically, everyone has setbacks. You might not get the job you were aiming for, or financial woes may temporarily derail your plans. Your new-found friends may turn out not to be of your liking. What do you do then? Think of each experience as an opportunity to learn.

Life isn’t perfect. The difference between the individual who is self-fulfilled and happy and one who is disheartened and miserable is often their ability (or inability) to transcend the temporary in pursuit of other worthwhile goals. Attitude also makes a big difference. Thinking positive does engender more favorable outcomes.

So, bottom line – what can you do when friends turn on you?

• Focus on being of service to others, instead of how to please you.

• Be generous of spirit, giving others the benefit of the doubt.

• Forgive yourself and others for any mistakes in the past.

• Make amends, face-to-face, if appropriate, or to yourself if contact would harm the other person.

• Search out new groups in which to make new friends (non-drinking, non-drugs).

• Take up a hobby or sport.

• Volunteer.

• Make a list of short- and long-term goals.

• Detail a process of how to achieve your goals, including learning any new skills or knowledge required.

• Don’t blow things out of proportion – take everything in stride, even temporary setbacks.

• Maintain a positive outlook.

• Take it one day at a time.

• Believe in you.