When Heroes Fall – How to Talk to Your Children

Everyone needs heroes, men and women whom we look up to for inspiration, role-modeling and guidance. Our first impressions of heroes likely stem from our families, with our parents being our first recognized heroes. That’s as it should be, since our parents are the ones who nurture us, keep us from harm, give us unending love and help us grow. As we venture out into the world, into school and other activities outside the home, helped by non-stop communication in the form of the Internet, TV and radio, we gradually form an attachment to different heroes. But what happens when heroes fall? How can we, as parents, shield our children from those negative influences? What can we say to them?

Heroes Come in All Varieties

The good news is that anyone can be a hero. They come in all shapes and sizes, every nationality, religious affiliation, men and women, young girls and boys, teenagers and young adults. A hero can be a kindergarten teacher that helps a youngster master finger painting, or a schoolmate that always seems to be there to protect you when you need it most.

Children, along with so much of society, gravitate to sports figures as heroes. The more proficient the athlete is at basketball, baseball, football, hockey, tennis, or golf, for example, the more headlines they grab, the higher their salaries and celebrity factor, the greater the likelihood they’ll fall somewhere in the hero scale in the eyes of impressionable children. It’s also easy to see why sports figures are seen as heroes, since professional athletes make many visits to schools to motivate children to do well and stay in school. Many teachers hold up professional athletes as models of behavior and success to be emulated, decking the walls with their photos.

But it’s not just limited to sports figures. Heroes also come from the music and entertainment fields. Political personalities are heroes to some older children. Firemen, policemen and religious figures (such as the Pope) are held to be heroes by other children. In short, heroes – or perceived heroes – are all around us. It becomes problematic, however, when heroes who may not deserve the accolade – or no longer deserve it – do something that tarnishes their image forever.

How Far They’ve Fallen

Let’s take some examples of men and women who have been considered heroes, and who have suffered a fall from grace.

• Tiger Woods – Most recently in the news, the headlines surrounding the undisputed greatest golfer in the world, Tiger Woods, are nothing short of a crushing blow. Children who idolized Tiger as the epitome of good sportsmanship, an example of the best talent, the greatest ambassador for clean living and a loving family, suddenly see that he’s being portrayed as a man who cheated on his wife with a series of extramarital affairs. Reportedly having checked into a rehab center for treatment of sexual compulsion, Tiger’s future in the world of golf remains uncertain. He’s quit golf for now, stressing that he wants to concentrate on rebuilding his relationship with his family – although his wife has left him amid rumors of divorce. Is Tiger’s obsession with other women a result of sexual compulsivity or is he simply a serial cheater? In either case, his image has been seriously damaged – especially in the eyes of children.

• Wilt Chamberlain – Perhaps the most dominant player of professional basketball of all time, winner of NBA titles in Philadelphia and Los Angeles and NBA records that still hold to this day, Hall of Famer Wilt Chamberlain, who died in 1999, was a hero to many children in his time. They wanted to be like Wilt the Stilt, a champion, bigger than life. Until, that is, his sexual exploits came to light, as chronicled in his second autobiography, A View From Above, in which he claimed to have slept with 20,000 different women. Did his sexual activities detract from his game? Not at all. Did they damage his stature in the eyes of children everywhere? Undoubtedly.

• Mike Tyson – He was heavyweight champion of the world until his infamous fight with Evander Holyfield in which he bit his opponent’s ear. Tyson also served time in jail for rape and had domestic violence trouble when he was married to Robin Givens, an actress. Though Tyson has come back a little, doing some cameo roles in movies here and there, he will never be what he once was.

• Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry – Twenty years ago, this duo won accolades as New York Mets star baseball players. Then, they both became addicted to drugs and alcohol, and both served time for cocaine possession.

• Art Schlichter – First-round draft pick by the Baltimore Colts, Art Schlichter’s demon was gambling addiction. Unable to pay his gambling debts, he turned to crime and served time in an Indiana prison.

• Kelli White – Once known as the fastest woman on earth, sprinter Kelli White, who won the world championship in the 100 meters and 200 meters, quickly fell from grace when a drug test revealed performance-enhancing drugs. After admitting everything, she was sidelined for two years. This gave White time to reflect on what she had – and lost – the respect of her family and friends, integrity and money. But she was able to turn it around.

• Michael Vick – Seemingly invincible, the Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick had it all – until he admitted guilt to illegal dog-fighting charges and served a 23-month federal prison sentence. Following his release from prison, Vick, a changed man, returned to the NFL – but not with the Falcons. This time, Vick’s jersey belonged to the Philadelphia Eagles, and the game, ironically, was played against Vick’s former team, the Falcons. By his own account, Vick has learned his lesson and is striving to again earn the respect of all his fans.

Why Do They Fall?

For many of these figures, household names, the rise to fame came too fast. Swept up in instant recognition, huge amounts of money coming in, many new superstars are unable to cope with the pressure. Their egos expand all out of proportion, and they may feel that they can do anything they want and get away with it. Out of control, they often turn to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or other addictive behaviors. As a result, they lose touch with reality, steeped in deepening self-destructive behaviors.

The reasons are different for every hero who falls from grace, just as they are for any human being. Important underlying factors include how they were brought up, whether they have strong values, their capacity for introspection and ability to differentiate between what’s right and wrong and what they’re able to get away with.

Add in any family history of alcohol or drug abuse, gambling, sexual compulsivity, eating disorders, criminal activity, overwork, and/or mental disorders and you have a recipe for potential disaster. In short, the athlete/politician/entertainer may just not be able to make healthy decisions.

What to Tell Your Children

It’s not easy broaching the subject of a hero’s fall from grace. Try to do so with compassion and understanding. What you say and how you say it depends a great deal on the age of the child. Obviously, younger children should be spared the details of more sordid behavior, but even adolescents and teens should hear the truth, albeit cleaned up for family discussion.

Here are some suggestions that you can tailor to your own situation.

• We’re all human and humans make mistakes – To be human means that you are susceptible to temptation. Not everyone has the same upbringing with a stable, loving family providing direction. Even in the best of family circumstances, it’s easy to make the wrong decision – even for the right reasons. Tell your children that because we are human beings, we sometimes choose inappropriately. We may regret what we have done or we may not be able to see that what we’ve done is wrong until there are consequences. But to make mistakes is part of the human condition. It’s what we do after we’ve made the mistake that makes the difference. In the case of heroes that have fallen, they’ve not only chosen badly, but they have done so publicly and with great consequence to their reputation and image.

• Addiction is a disease – Sports heroes, celebrities and politicians who become fodder for the tabloid and evening news due to addiction to drugs, substances, gambling, sex or other compulsive behaviors shouldn’t be condemned. Addiction is a disease and, when properly treated, can be overcome. Addiction can never be cured, but the addict can learn new and more appropriate behaviors, how to cope with pressure and stress, and how to live a life free of addictive substances or activities.

• Give your heroes time to do the right thing – Just as children seek forgiveness when they’ve done something wrong, heroes who have fallen also need to redeem themselves. This takes time, not only to find their own self-worth again, but to repair their integrity and self-respect. Once they work on this from within, they can begin to mend their public image. If your hero seeks professional treatment to deal with his or her addiction or problem, they need the time for such counseling to work. Even after they leave treatment, it often takes many months in recovery for them to be able to again be fully functional in society – minus their addictive behavior.

• Too much pride precedes a fall – Hubris, or too much self-pride, is often at the root of fallen heroes. They have reached such a state of celebrity that they are swelled up with pride. They feel they are invincible, that the normal rules of society somehow don’t apply to them. In some cases, they feel that they are above the law. They begin to believe their press releases and publicity – and that only intensifies their sense of self-pride.

• Celebrities have access to drugs and alcohol – You can’t become addicted if you don’t have access. Unfortunately, with fame and fortune, it’s easy to have access. Ditto the fact that everywhere celebrities go, people are handling them something to drink, a joint, a line of coke, or some pills to get high or come down.

• Sports figures and other heroes have enablers all around – The entourage that surrounds our athlete, political, entertainment and other heroes is ever-ready with drugs, drug paraphernalia, a handy alibi, or encouragement to engage in self-destructive behavior. For the hero who’s bombarded with the means to get high, and the enabling behavior of friends, hangers-on, managers, and groupies, it’s often very difficult to turn down. Addiction is made that much easier with the omnipresent entourage.

• The spotlight makes it worse – It isn’t that heroes are any different than the rest of us. They’re prone to the same pressures we may experience, from the sudden loss of a spouse/parent/sibling/child to illness, death, the fracture of a family through divorce, mental illness, the stress of a relationship break-up, sudden windfall or bankruptcy and more. But the spotlight that shines on the hero makes all the troubles that befall him or her infinitely worse. What might be hidden by family members, friends and co-workers for some time for non-celebrity individuals is just not possible with the media’s incessant need for the next juicy scandal. Once the media seize on a story, the spotlight burns bright for weeks afterward. Every new development in the story (sports hero busted, sports hero enters rehab, sports hero serves jail time, etc.) feeds the respective audience (TV, radio, Internet, tabloids).

• Heroes need the desire to change – In this respect, heroes aren’t any different than any other person either. Anyone who is addicted to inappropriate behavior, whether or not their public image has been tarnished, can only change if they truly wish to do so. They could enter treatment, perhaps because they are forced to by sports team management or as a publicity tactic, but if they aren’t willing to admit they have a problem and genuinely want to get help, they’ll fail. Heroes, just like everyone else with an addiction, need to have the desire to change.

Encourage Children to Find New Heroes

Replacing a hero who’s fallen from grace may take some time. Encourage your children to find heroes that are closer to home, heroes who may be more appropriate. This may be a favorite uncle, neighbor, teacher, minister or friend. Try to fill the void by being available to talk whenever your child needs to. Invite him or her on special outings to further cement the bond between you. Do more activities together as a family.

Remember that family values are the foundation for children to be able to separate reality from fantasy, right from wrong, and the temporary from the enduring. Love is the glue that cements the foundation.

Bottom line: listen to your children, keep an open line of communication, encourage them to grow and learn new things, make new friends and find new heroes, and, above all else, love them unconditionally.